"What kind of person are you when no one is looking?"
We are all asked this question at some point in our lives. It's not a rarity, but yet there is a lot of aprehension in answering it. How can we answer this without coming across narcasistic or negative? We so often put ourselves down that our instant 'go to' responses are self deprecating and not the least bit real. Honest.
Recently I was asked this question and ignored it completely. I don't know why but the question made me uncomfortable. As if I was being put under a microscope. If you are someone who knows me personally then you know I do not pine to be the center of attention. So...yes, quite uncomfortable.
"What kind of person are you when no one is looking?"
On The Outside
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I am the kind of person who turns her music full blast and dances like a moron. Someone who gets so lost in the lyrics and rythm that I am not human anymore. Just a soul who is free from the confines of society that I am free to be who I am at my core. There is something so completely freeing about music that can lift away every worry, every thought, every feeling. I guess I am like smoke then, easily swayed with the music.
On The Outside/Inside:
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I am the kind of person who harms herself when no one is looking. Someone who would rather hurt herelf than the people around her. Someone who cares deeply for those whom she chooses to include in her life; friends, family, etc. Someone who will hold on sometimes too tightly, but yet can be fragile. I am someone who only gives the power to break her to those whom she loves. Someone who does not love easily.
On The Outside:
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I am the kind of person who looks to the ground as she walks. I am the type of person who, when she is out, avoids all eye contact and wishes for the solitude of her home. Only when needed will I break from this and interact with the world. I'd rather be in my own mind, my own world. And when I am out in the world...I long to return to my own universe.
On The Outside/Inside:
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I am the kind of person who rarely lets new people into her life. Where life has been cruel and unforgiving one learns to protect themselves with inner walls. A defense against a world that seeks to tear you down rather than build you up. You observe, learn and move along all the while taking those mental notes of the different types of people. None that seem trustworthy or worthwhile.
Overall:
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I am someone who has lost a lot of the people she has loved. I am someone who has had to sacrifice so much and has gained very little. I am someone who is thankful to those in her life and carries fond memories of those who have left her life. I am someone who also carries the ever painful memories they leave as well. I am someone who has given fond and painful memories in return. I am a human being. I am a daughter, a sister, a mother, a lover and a friend. I am me when no one is looking. And I am me when the world looks to me. Who I am in this life, inside and out, is all I can be. All I choose to be. And in that I am free.
June 30th, 2016
11:11pm
